


You've Got To Be Kidding Me!

by MeetMeInTheDark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Out of Character, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-19
Updated: 2008-02-19
Packaged: 2018-10-01 12:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10189904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeetMeInTheDark/pseuds/MeetMeInTheDark
Summary: Lucius Malfoy defected to the Light so Voldemort took his revenge in a rather public way. Lucius' anger begins the battle and the outcome is something no one expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer: The HP Universe is property of J.K. Rowling. I make no profit from this.

 

 

 

Lucius walked into the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place. He had defected to the Light a few months prior and was kept safe at the Noble House of Black. He had at first stubbornly refused when he saw the state of the house, but his lover's hard cock in his arse had him reconsidering quickly. 

"Good morning," he said formally, sitting down next to his lover. He felt several pairs of eyes on him and raised an eyebrow in question. A blushing Hermione Granger handed him a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and the headline had him choking on his tea.

 

****

Lucius Malfoy: Deatheater or Crossdresser?

_The Daily Prophet has recieved a series of photographs depicting the known Deatheater, Lucius Malfoy, wearing something that isn't quite what one would expect from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's most famous follower. He is seen wearing women's lingerie and skirts on what looks to be several different occasions. Is this the fearsome man that everyone hides from or is it a hoax? Seeing as Lucius Malfoy has gone missing, this reporter thinks it is entirely possible that he is with the Dark Lord, parading around in his unmentionables, and plotting nefariously. Is that where the pictures were taken? Is this what we have to be afraid of? For everyone's sake, this reporter sincerely hopes that this is all we have to fear from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named from now on._

_Rita Skeeter_   


Lucius' face was paler than usual in his fury and he gripped the paper as if it was Rita Skeeter's throat. He let out a sound of rage and threw the paper against the wall.

"THAT SNAKE BASTARD! He will _pay_ for humiliating me!" he roared, standing up, his eyes alight with fury. Everyone shrunk back' even Dumbledore, not wanting to draw his attention.

"Lucius, calm down, love. How did he get a hold of those pictures?" Severus asked. Lucius' eyes softened somewhat when he heard his lover's voice. 

"No doubt he broke through the wards, which are weakened by my absence. I will kill that bastard for giving those to the Prophet. He wasn't even supposed to learn of them, but fucking Pettigrew doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. I believe I will murder that rat first. Mr. Potter, would you like to join me?" Lucius asked Harry. The teenager nodded meekly, not wanting to upset the man further. Truth be told, he would like a whack at Pettigrew for betraying his parents.

"Splendid, I will go get the necessary items for a visit with Voldemort," Lucius said, his voice taking on a pleasant tone that scared everyone further.

"Lucius, do not be ridiculous. You know as well as I that he is hoping to draw you out with this little stunt. It would be wise to stay hidden and wait for the proper time to attack," Severus reasoned. Lucius merely bent down and kissed him, the first time he had ever done so infront of everyone. Everyone knew he and Severus were together, due to their affectionate titles, but they had never displayed it in such a way.

"Severus, I love you dearly, wait for me," Lucius said after he pulled away. He made to leave the room but Severus grabbed his sleeve.

"You are being irrational. I understand your fury, but you can't go gallivanting into Voldemort's chambers and expect to walk away with your life."

"I do not gallivant, Severus, you are well aware of that. Such a thing isn't proper. Write that down, Draco, it's part of being a Malfoy," Lucius said, directing the last part as his son. Draco merely nodded. 

_'My god, he's getting crazy in his fury,'_ he thought. 

"You need to go lay down, Lucius. This is the first time in twenty years I've seen you get this irrational in your fury," Severus said, still grasping Lucius' sleeve.

"Then you know as well as I that I cannot be stopped. Now, let go, I have a snake to see to." Lucius attempted to shake off Severus' hand, but the younger man would not let go.

"At least let us go with you. You need back-up."

"Very well, be ready in a half hour," Lucius said, forcing Severus' hand off his sleeve. He stalked up the stairs without another word. Everyone turned to Dumbledore.

"You heard the man, we have a half hour. Let's begin," the old man said. He realized that now was as good a time as any to attack. Voldemort wouldn't be expecting the entire Order and a plethora of Aurors to follow Lucius or the advanced power that Harry had gained over the last few months.

Severus gathered potions that he felt would be necessary; healing potions, blood replenishers, and bone mending potions. He also slipped a potion in his pocket that would destroy Voldemort's soul. It had already been tested, without Dumbledore's knowledge(though Severus suspected he knew anyway), on MacNair. Severus wasn't really sure if Harry would be the one to kill Voldemort, seeing as Lucius had reached a new level in his fury. He could understand why his lover was angry, but the level of his anger was startling. He wasn't completely sure why the article would infuriate his lover so. Sure, Lucius was a Malfoy, he took pride in his public appearances, but that still didn't completely explain it. Severus hoped he could get Lucius to open up after they returned from the battle. 

Exactly one half hour later, Lucius strode down the steps, determination steeled on his face. He held a Muggle baseball bat and everyone grabbed onto it, realizing it was a portkey. A few minutes later, they landed in Voldemort's chambers. Spells immediately started flying as the Deatheaters realized who had landed amongst them.

"Stay back," Lucius said to Severus. That was all the warning the younger man got before Lucius walked away from him. 

He took down Deatheater after Deatheater in his determination to reach Voldemort. Harry was doing the same, trying to provide back-up should Lucius need it. He knew then that the prophecy was a bunch of crock. Lucius would be the one to kill the Dark Lord, not him, and Harry was kind of grateful for that. He didn't want to kill anyone.

"Ah, Lucius, have you seen the illuminating article of you in the _Daily Prophet_? I thought you looked smashing," Voldemort mocked, laughing coldly. 

"Yes, I did see it. I'm just here to say thanks," Lucius snarled. He reached into his pocket, drew out a Muggle gun, and shot Voldemort through the heart.

"You've got to be kidding me," Harry gaped. How could all the years of fighting lead to such an anticlimatic end? 

"Severus!" Lucius called. Luckily, most of the Deatheaters were either incompacitated or dead, so Severus was able to make his way to Lucius quickly.

Seeing the gun in his hand, he said, "You've got to be kidding me."

"That's what I said!" Harry exclaimed. 

"You killed him with a Muggle gun? You killed him with a device made by people he's been trying his whole life to destroy?" Severus asked, staring at Voldemort's body in shock.

"Yes, I did."

"Just making sure." Severus' mind was still trying to get over the irony as he poured his specially-made potion on Voldemort. There was a black orb that floated up and burst into magical flames, gone within minutes.

The cheering started up, signalling that all the Deatheaters had been captured. Draco embraced Harry, planting a firm kiss on his lips. Lucius watched on fondly. He was glad his son found someone he loved.

"I'm sorry for taking all the glory, Harry," he said. Harry grinned at him, hugging Draco tightly.

"Trust me, I'm glad you killed him. I hate all the publicity I get as the Boy-Who-Lived. Maybe now I can live normally," he replied.

"Trust me, Potter, your life will never be normal with a Malfoy," Severus drawled, wrapping an arm around Lucius' waist.

"Shall we go have a celebration of our own?" Lucius purred in his ear. He turned and smiled at his lover.

"Lead the way." The two wizards apparated out of the room before anyone could stop them, grateful that everything was over. After twenty years, they could be together peacefully, not having to worry about that being the last time they saw one another.

Draco turned in time to see them disappear and smiled. He was happy for his father, even if he did act a little crazy when he was angry. He spared one last glance at Voldemort's body before drawing Harry into another kiss. They had a celebration of their own to attend to. He placed his hand on Harry's stomach, glad that the glamours were no longer necessary. Make that two celebrations.

~*~

"Oh... Severus," Lucius moaned, his hands clenched in Severus' hair, keeping his lips attached to his nipple. Severus slid to his knees, kissing Lucius' stomach. He paused when he sensed very faint magic and looked up at his lover.

"What did you do to your stomach? It has a faint magical aura coming from it," he asked. Lucius slid his fingers affectionately through his hair.

"You are always so observant, love. I was waiting to tell you after we had sex, but I assume telling you now will only increase your ardor. I am pregnant, four months along I believe," he answered, taking off the glamour. His stomach was slightly larger. Severus was rendered speechless for several moments. 

"Pregnant? But a wizard hasn't gotten pregnant in 100 years," he breathed, eyes wide.

"On the contrary, Harry is six months pregnant himself. He and Draco have been hiding it, lest word get to Voldemort. Now that he is gone, I suspect they will announce it soon."

"How did you learn of it then?"

"Have you forgotten that I'm a Malfoy? There are spells placed on each Malfoy heir that lets their parents know when they have impregnated someone. It helps if one is disgusted by their wife and eager to cease trying to concieve. It also helps the parents know if their heir has been unfaithful and impreganted some commoner, so appropriate action can be taken," Lucius explained. 

"You'll have to forgive my tainted blood," Severus replied sarcatically.

"You've yet to give me your reaction to the news. Are you happy? Or do you want me to get dressed and leave immediately?" There was worry in Lucius's eyes that he didn't bother hiding. Severus would be able to tell anyway.

"Of course I'm happy, you twit! Why wouldn't I be happy that the love of my life is currently carrying our child?" Severus responded, slapping Lucius' thigh lightly. 

"I love you as well." 

"Now may I resume worshipping your body?" Severus asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Be my guest." Lucius leaned back against the door, anticipating the pleasure to come. The fact that it was Severus and his child he carried in his stomach made the moment all the sweeter. Not that he would tell anyone. He still retained _some_ of his dignity.

~*~

"You've got to be kidding me," Ron breathed. Lucius frowned.

"Why does everyone keep saying that around me?" he asked Severus. He and Harry had just announced their pregnancies and the Order seemed suprised at Lucius only.

"Because you continue to astound them," Severus replied, slipping an arm around his waist. Lucius seemed pleased with that answer and he once again faced the stunned room.

"It's just, with Harry we can understand, but you already have a son, and you seem a little old to be having kids," Ron said. Hermione slapped his arm.

"Lucius is not old by any means and there have been documented cases of people bearing children who were decades older than Lucius. I swear, you are so insensitive, Ronald," she chastised. Ron looked utterly confused as to why his girlfriend was scolding him, and why Lucius and Severus were glaring at him. 

"What did I say?" he asked. 

"I appreciate your defense, Hermione, and I wish you luck with that one," Lucius said, ignoring Ron. Hermione only smiled in response. 

"Well, I believe congratulations are in order," Dumbledore said, standing. That seemed to snap everyone out of their stupors and they rose to congratulate the two couples. 

After thanking everyone, Lucius and Severus slipped away to the room they shared. Lucius was startled when, after they laid down on the bed, Severus placed his head on his stomach. Once he recovered from the shock, he smiled, enjoying this new paternal side of his lover. He carded his fingers through Severus' hair. Suddenly the younger man started laughing.

"What?" Lucius asked curiously.

"I just realized why you got so angry at that article. It was hormones, wasn't it?"

"Well, even if I wasn't pregnant, I would have gotten angry at that article. I'm glad that everyone seems to have forgotten it in light of my heroics." There was silence for a long moment until Severus sensed something else in his lover's stomach.

"Lucius, love, was Poppy able to tell if you are carrying only one child?" he asked tentatively. Lucius blinked sleepily.

"Mmm, no, why?"

"Because I feel two magical signatures in your body."

"You've got to be kidding me!"


End file.
